6:16 a.m. - July 10, 2000
SLEEPING WITH THE SNORING ENEMY
If there was an Olympic event for snoring, Jen would take home the Gold.
I've often wondered how a woman as beautiful as she is could have such an undesirable trait about her like snoring.
The woman snores loud enough to wake the dead. If I had to compare it to anything, I'd have to say, she snores like Curly from the Three Stooges ("Honnnnnk! Whooo whooo whooo whoooo whoooo whoooo whooooo")...only ten times louder.
Last night was a prime example of this.
2:19 a.m.
JEN: "HOOONK!! WHOOOO WHOOOO WHOOOOO WHOOOO WHOOOO WHOOOO WHOOOO!!!"
ME: "Jen...wake up."
JEN: "HOOOONNNKK....whazzit?? Who duhhh?? Whazzit??"
ME: "Jen...you're snoring. Fucking Walter Matthau's on the front porch scratching at the door, begging you to stop."
JEN: "I was NOT snoring."
(Alright...THAT'S the part that pisses me off the most. When she totally denies that she was snoring. Like...what the fuck?? I'm going to wake her up in the middle of the night under false fucking pretenses just to get my jollies??)
ME: "Trust me honey ...you were snoring."
JEN: (turning away from me) "Whatever."
PHONE: "Ring! Ring!"
JEN: "Who the hell would be calling at 2 a.m.?"
ME: (under my breath) "The Humane Shelter must have found a stray that they thought you'd wanna sleep with..."
JEN: "What?!?"
ME: "I said 'I dunno...I'll answer it'..."
JEN: "Uh huh."
ME: (Into phone) "What the fuck do you want?"
VOICE: "Pitt? Casey Kasem. If you don't shut that fucking girlfriend of yours up right now, I'm coming over there and putting a bedroom slipper so far up both your asses, you'll be coughing up leopard print fabric for months!!!"
ME: "Fuck you Kasem. Just for that, I'm pitching a tent and letting her sleep in the back yard so she can keep you and your ugly-assed wife up all night long."
VOICE: "Goddamn you Pitt!! I'll see to it that you're driven out of Hollywood so fast, your pretty little head will spin!!"
ME: (Hanging up the phone)"Eat me, jagoff."
(Total silence)
JEN: "Casey Kasem??"
ME: "Yeah."
JEN: "Jesus, he's a cranky old man."
ME: "No shit."
(Total silence)
JEN: "You're not REALLY going to make me sleep in the back yard, are ya?"
ME:"No dear. I'm just fuckin' with Casey."
JEN: "I love you, honey."
ME: "I love you babe. Now go back to sleep."
*************************
Heh.
She's just going to SHIT when she wakes up naked in the front yard in a few minutes.
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(Any similarities to anyone famous, not famous, dead, alive, male, female, handicapped or stoned is not implied. I love all Hollywood celebrities. All of them. Even the ones that you may think I'm talking about on this blog. Please don't sue. Or at least let me know before you get ready to sue. I mean ... if I had my way, I'd prefer you didn't sue in all honesty. Did I mention "Don't sue"??)
